In my previous blog, I wrote about gender-neutral.[1]. I have discovered that I am even more. I am not only gender-neutral, but I am also relationship-neutral. And I would like to explain how I came to realize this.
We humans like clarity, and therefore we label everything. In the realm of relationships, we know terms like monogamy, polyamory, friendship, etc. How you label something is important because it has consequences for the expectations that society – and thus you and the people around you – have of it. For example, if someone becomes your lover, you/they expect that you will spend a lot of time together and that you will present yourselves to the outside world as each other's partner. Moreover, the prevailing expectation is that you will be monogamous, because that is the dominant norm in this society.
But yes, the connection you have with someone does not always fit neatly into one of the boxes we have created for it. For instance, you might feel that the contact with some friends is more intense than a regular friendship, even though you don’t have a word for it.
Putting things into boxes and labeling them is a necessary trait of our personality. It helps us not to be overwhelmed by everything that comes our way. By filtering, selecting, and cataloging, we can make sense of ourselves and the world around us. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as we keep in mind that these boxes are just tools. Reality is always bigger. We are not our boxes. After all, the map is not the territory.[2] Boxes become prisons and labels become the keys to the cell doors when we lose sight of this.
I read about the distinction between polyamory, the label for an ethical non-monogamy relationship,[3] and relationship anarchy, the label for a form of relationship where all hierarchy is removed in the connections you have with others. And then it clicked for me. In relationship anarchy, it's purely about the connection you experience with the other person. There is no hierarchy in relationships. Every person is worth my attention and time, whether I have a sexual, romantic, client-based, or other type of relationship with them. It's not because I go to bed with someone or because that person is my partner that they can claim more of my love than my brother or a good friend with whom I have enjoyed fine moments for years. Loving someone cannot be confined within a 'relationship' box. Love is a river that always flows.
This reminds me of a quote from Meister Eckhart:[4]
The most important work in my life is the work I am doing now. The most important person in my life is the person who is with me now. The most important moment in my life is this moment.
I recognized this way of being in life as my own. I feel completely at home with it. However, the word "anarchy" is a bit too heavy for me. I prefer to call myself relationship-neutral.
Gender-neutral and relationship-neutral—yes, that feels good and free[5]. Gender-neutral and relationship-neutral—yes, that resonates with me and feels liberating. It aligns with the view my heart has on life: open, boundless, non-judgmental, filled with love. I am very grateful to have so many dear people around me, each close to me in their own way. The word 'friend' doesn't do justice to the depth of connection I feel with them. That's why I prefer to call them my family, my chosen family. And I realize now that this is just my way of expressing how much I love them!
[1] See Nathalie Cardinaels (2019) I love you and you and you.. I quote her freely in this blog.
[2] A well-known saying from NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming).
[3] An ethical non-monogamous relationship is a form of relationship where you do not choose just one partner, but with the knowledge and consent of your partner, you opt for an open relationship, swinging, or polyamory. An unethical non-monogamous relationship is a form of relationship where this happens secretly. We also call that infidelity or cheating.
[4] Meister Eckhart (ca. 1260-1328), mystic and theologian.
[5] And I am aware that even 'neutral' is a word that can easily become a label for the next box in people's minds.